Beyond the smiles and the brief happiness, lies a sorrow underneath.
I debated in writing this blog because I didn't want to make a fuss or have anyone worry about me.
I'm looking back ten years ago and how it changed my life, well changed me.
In about less than two weeks , it will be ten years that Jeff died leaving the kids and I.
At that point in my life I had been on anti-depressants for eight years. When Jeff died among the grief , shock and unwise choices, caused me to take a two month fall into hell.
A part of me wanted to die, another part wanted to fight to stay. Back home in Delaware , my family and doctor tapped into my will to survive and pulled me out of a tailspin, deep inside I knew nobody really wanted to put up with me. I think if it wasn't for my kids, I wouldn't be alive today. I stayed and stay today for them.
I love my sisters, brothers , my dear friends and my parents.
I don't know when my parents leave this world and everyone else goes on with their lives, whether I can survive it.
I say that because, so many have moved on with their lives and I feel that I am alone.
I decided back when Jeff died, I would put away any thought of another man or romance out of my mind or even gone like Jeff was.
A special man happened to take on that challenge way back then and brought to light and spark that I buried. Up to about a year or so ago , I would write and he would write back on blogger here and I felt that everything would be happy for the future, my trust had been restored ... but now I haven't heard from him him, my hope is fading and my trust is dissolving.
My fault for believing..I buried those feelings of love back where they we're before. I feel like I won't make that mistake again.
While many widows have moved on to happiness with a new love, me I am ten years into the grave.
Please pray for us.
If Stephen reads this, I will know, if not, I just will fade away.
Rain will wash away the tears I cry, so I will see again.
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