All I Want To Do Is Stop The Worrying And Make All Of Us Happy

      Its midnight now and I can not sleep and on the verge of tears.  I can't stop thinking about what is going on with my late husband's father, Gary.  He has been like a second dad to me ever since 1991.  It has been a long road ever since his son, my husband, died in December 2006.  I have my moments when I have to stand strong and have put up a good fight being by myself and raising my children.  That is what I promised I'd do.
      As my my children have grown, they are teenagers becoming adults rapidly, the focus has been more on me and what is going to happen to me.  With all the things I have been dealing with like my hearing, my eyesight and my depression, not to mention my age, I am not number one on the hiring list.  My artistic talent, really the only thing I have left to go on.   I feel so less efficient in myself, my whole family are hard workers.
      I have to admit, that I would love to be married again and give my love to someone, especially someone who can deal all with what is going on with me, to keep me motivated and focused.  Here recently, I know so many have been worried about me and of course my kids. especially four important men n my life.
     Not a second doesn't pass without me feeling their concern and the question popping into my mind. "What am I going to do?"
     Gary has been worried about me since Jeff's death and wants me to be with someone who can make me happy and care for me.  With everything that is going on now, I feel like, I have let him down.
     The last few months, my dad has been really concerned over me, I see it in his face and in his eyes..it has been eating away at me for such a long time now.  Things with the kids have been going so well, he seems content with them, but I feel the strain of his disappointment in me.  Times I feel like giving up on myself.
  My brother never says much, but I can see it.  He has so much to deal with.  The illness of his wife keeps him busy as she needs him and that is what it should be.
      Then there is that special man who lives in Amesbury, MA.  Who seems to be concerned over me and I really appreciate it because he doesn't have too but he does.  I know there have been times I have felt like I have let him down but he is always patient with me, through times when I have been really silly and awkward.  He puts up with so much from me.
       You can say I worry about myself, mainly for my kids, I know what would make them happy.  I have asked myself in recent weeks "What would make me happy? ..Who would make me happy?"
     If you read my blogs, I guess, I haven't been too shy about it...That special man in Amesbury, MA.  I feel so close to him, that I can talk to him about anything, no other man shares that special attachment with me. I do love him., love everything about him.
     My dad, Gary and my brother, all know and respect him and I know in my heart, it would make everyone happy, including myself and give the piece of mind , the love we all need, including him.
    I pray for everyone, for all the happiness in the world and for all of us to be together.